


When Life Hands You Lemmings

by AnonEhouse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Lemmings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the Avengers were lemmings? What if there was a plan to bring them together?... no, well, what if they accidentally wound up working together to defeat a common enemy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Life Hands You Lemmings

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, when I nap, I sometimes wake up with fic ideas. It is not a good idea to turn down the gifts of the dream-muse, so I try to write them. And ok, I love harmless, fluffy crack!fic.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Tony was suspicious when the guy bought him. The kid who owned Tony hadn't been bad to him, just gave him a little poking and prodding once in a while. Mostly it'd been a lot of boredom while he tried to figure a way out of the wire cage he'd been in since the kid found him after he got beat up by that big lemming, Obie. It had been Tony's territory, but the big guy took it over and tried to kill him. Luckily for Tony, the noise had attracted the kid's dog, and Obie, well-- doggone Obie. 

Tony's chest fur had grown back in white from where Obie bit him. Tony thought it looked pretty cool, actually, but the guy who bought him hadn't seemed to notice. 

He got dumped into a large wire cage already well populated by other lemmings. His nose twitched as he identified two females. One was apparently already partnered with a strong shouldered lemming who showed his teeth when Tony expressed a polite interest in her, but the other female, a lean, long-legged beauty, was sitting in the corner, pale fur ruffled and a definite, 'leave me alone' air about her. Tony could work with that. He sidled up to her and casually dropped a berry he'd hidden in his mouth. "Hey, baby. Want something sweet? I'm Tony!" He was smart. Everyone liked to eat. Tony could always get something nice for his females. Until he got bored with them, anyway. The female looked at the berry. Then she nipped him on the ear before eating it. "You're not sweet," she said, but she didn't follow up the nip with a growl. "I'm Pepper," she said after finishing the berry and neatly washing her paws. Score! Tony still had it.

Several guys picked up the cage and heaved it into the back of a pick-up truck. Tony had planned to open the door of the cage when they weren't looking (it was a smooth lifting thing, not the twisted wire mess on the kid's cage) but a lock was snapped onto the door, so he resigned himself to socializing with the others and feeling them out for their potential at escape while the truck rumbled along a rough road. "Hey, guys. We need to make a break out, soonish."

"And go where?" One of the biggest males asked. He had short, light colored fur, and blue eyes, which Tony thought was weird. The very largest male had blue eyes, too but his fur was longer, and nearly as light. Maybe they were brothers.

"Doesn't matter," Tony replied. "A kid might like one or two of us as pets, but this?" He waved his paw at the group, "This many of us says something nasty is coming and I have no intention of staying around to find out what."

Tony's female (shh, he was growing on her, letting her push him around was all part of his seduction technique), Pepper was very sharp, not just with her teeth. She nodded. "You can tell. They don't try to pet us or talk to us. They don't want to make friends, any more than a fox does."

The other female sat up slowly. "I agree. Clint and I have been watching. There is an evil plan, but escape will not be easy."

Her mate, Clint, nodded. "Natasha got out once. They have nets, and sticks. Being fast isn't enough."

The remaining male was about Tony's size, but his rumpled fur made him look larger. He cleared his throat. "I've analyzed the cage and noticed that the metal is rusting in the places where we pee. If we all use the same spot, maybe we can weaken it enough to break out."

"You're a genius," Tony proclaimed. "What's your name?"

"Bruce," the rumpled lemming said, shyly. 

"Come on over here, Bruce," Tony nudged another berry over in Bruce's direction.

"Um, I shouldn't," Bruce said, backing further into the corner farthest from the others. "I...I have to stay away from everyone. I have a condition. I get mad. Really mad."

"Great!" Tony said, grabbing the berry up and bouncing over to nudge Bruce in the shoulder with it. "I admire a lemming who can get angry! It's awesome. Have a berry."

Bruce looked startled, but also pleased.

The short haired blond male growled at Tony. "Leave him alone! He nearly killed a whole cageful of lemmings, he's dangerous!"

Bruce whimpered and covered his eyes with his paws. "Steve's right. The people. The cage. Too many, and they shook the cage. They shook it and shook it."

Tony pressed up against Bruce, who was shaking. "There, you see, it wasn't Bruce's fault." Tony showed his teeth at Steve.

The biggest male said softly, in a deep voice, "Truly, it was not friend Bruce's fault. The man who directs makes us do bad things, things we would never do, so they can take pictures of us. I was his. I thought he was my friend, and then I saw the movies. I saw his plans for more. They are terrible. Loki wants to make us die."

"Why, Thor?" Natasha asked (Tony didn't know how she knew the big guy's name, but Natasha seemed the sort to listen sneakily and learn things.) "If he wants to eat us, or take our fur, that would make sense, but why..."

Thor shrugged. "He says we were made to be used. And we are too boring for his movie." After that Thor refused to say anything more; he was obviously saddened that the human he thought liked him was actually a cold, heartless monster.

***

Well, after that there wasn't much to do except eat the boring dry food, and pee on the same corner. Tony found a broken wire and tried to get it loose. It wouldn't make a hole in the cage, but he had a vague idea he could do something with it.

The truck stopped after a while. More food and water was put in the cage. Tony watched them open the lock by putting a key in it. Natasha and Clint made a break for it and actually got out of the truck and were running across the ground. Tony and the others pressed against the wire to watch. Just as Natasha had said, the men used long sticks to force them to run away from hiding places, and then netted them. 

Steve growled and went back to pace the length of the cage. Natasha was dumped back in with them a few moments later, and the lock snapped back on. 

"Where is your mate?" Thor asked, once Natasha had got her breath back and had drunk a little water.

"The man with long black hair took him away. He said... he said Clint had heart and he could use that." Natasha began grooming her fur, pretending she wasn't upset.

"That was Loki," Thor said sadly. 

Tony decided not to attempt an advance on Natasha. She looked like she was in the mood to rip his throat out. Also, Pepper stepped on his foot with intent.

***

After several days they arrived at a place that didn't have anything to recommend it from Tony's point of view. Their cage was put down on the ground next to several other cages full of nervous lemmings. Tony had taught himself to count. "One, two, and another... um... twenty eight!"

Pepper said, "Twenty nine. You forgot to count yourself."

Tony huffed a little, but secretly he was pleased that Pepper was so smart. "Thank you for correcting my math. That's so sexy."

Steve growled. "This is not the time, Tony. We need a plan."

A man opened the cage door. "I have a plan," Tony yelled, "ATTACK!" as he ran out of the cage, followed by the others, except that somehow Natasha had got out first. Whatever. 

It didn't work, though. The men used sticks to chase them and the other lemmings on top of a big thing covered in snow. It turned and they ran until they were tired, but they never got to the end, because it would keep turning. The cameras were going and making noise and the people were all watching to make sure they didn't escape.

When they gave up running and just sat huddled into groups with their cagemates, the thing stopped spinning and they were picked up and dumped back into their cages. The light was going, and the men packed away their cameras, talking about finishing a sequence the next day.

"Well," Tony said after he rested a while (his heart had never been the same since Obie's attack, so it took him a while), "that sucked."

"It will get worse, I'm afraid," Thor said grimly. "I saw the plans, a test scene. There will be a cliff..."

Steve made a small, hurt noise. "The cliff. They made Bucky fall. I tried to get to him, but I couldn't."

Everyone was silent for a few moments, and then Natasha said, "I saw Clint. He was sitting on Loki's shoulder. He was tied to a piece of string."

"And he didn't bite it?" Bruce asked. "That's bad, that's very bad. He's been _tamed_."

Natasha growled and went off to bite at the wires.

***

The trucks took them to another place. Tony could smell water, and hear it. A river. He didn't like rivers. Obie had held him down and his fur got wet through to the skin. He would have frozen if the boy hadn't liked the red and gold patches of Tony's coat and dried him off to admire. Sometimes being beautiful is good.

Not always. Loki had come and looked down into the cages, with Clint sitting eerily still on his shoulder, ignoring that damnable green string around his neck. He had Tony taken out for 'close ups', which meant Tony got a chance to have a camera practically stuck up his nose while he was forced to scramble over a snow-covered branch cut from a tree. That wouldn't have been so bad, but they'd put the branch up on a platform sticking out over the river and he was running out of branch. 

He knew the others were watching. Probably they were next. At least he could die bravely. "WATCH ME, GUYS! I CAN FLY!" he shouted, although, really, he was pretty sure he couldn't. He tensed his muscles and prepared to leap.

There was a crashing sound from the direction of the cage. He squirmed around enough to see Bruce, fluffed up huge and covered in mashed up greens from their food, ripping a hole in the cage. All the others ran out with him. Tony clung to the branch and cheered as they swarmed over the cameramen who screamed and ran away while Loki shouted at them. Natasha ran up Loki's trousers, all the way up his back, and smacked Clint in the head.

Clint yelped and blinked, and then he dove straight at Tony, who was slipping off the branch. The green string grew tight; the other end was tied to the drawstring of Loki's hooded anorak. Tony grabbed onto the string and they swung back, with the string pulling the hood close around Loki's face. Loki yelled and fell to his knees, pulling at the anorak.

"Good job," Steve said. "Lets get the others free!" 

Tony remembered how the locks opened. "Get the key! In his pants pocket!"

"I can do that!" Thor said. He lumbered over to Loki and ripped the pocket off with his teeth. The key fell out and Pepper snatched it up and ran with it.

Tony admired how fast she could run, and what a cute little tail she had. He met her at the second cage and together they figured out how to open the lock. Lemmings burst out, running over them. A one-eyed black-furred lemming paused to glare at them and then ran after the others, shouting and getting them organized to chew and smash and pee on all the cameras and film and scripts.

Once the third cage was open, Tony and his cagemates hurried off to hide in the bushes. "Hey," he said once the cameramen had returned to pick up Loki, who was weeping and talking about making a movie about flying penguins.

"Hey," Tony tried again when no one looked at him, "we work good together. How about we stick together? Form a herd. Or a pride."

Bruce said, "We don't group, Tony."

"We could be trend setters!"

"No, Tony no," Pepper said, but he could tell her heart wasn't in it.

"We could be... the Rampagers! Evil cameramen will run from us?"

Steve smoothed his fur back down neatly and rolled his eyes. "Might as well call us the Avengers."

"OOh, yes!" Tony grinned and bumped shoulders with Bruce. "We shalll Aveeeenge!" He danced and the others looked at him like he was crazy. But he knew they loved him, really. "Hey! I smell Saskatoon berries, lets go eat! Avenging makes me hungry!"

Thor said, "YES!" and the Avengers went off for a post battle feast.

**Author's Note:**

> And this is what I was thinking of...
> 
>  
> 
> [ Disney's Notorious Faked Lemming Suicide Movie](http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/lemmings.asp)


End file.
